Recently, we've been working on the PREPARE/ENRICH premarital counseling program. The premise is that by you and your partner answering a really really long questionnaire about your views on marriage, your relationship, life choices like kids, careers, etc., and other stuff that I'm sure is pertinent somehow, they can identify strengths of the relationship and “areas to work on”. We scored pretty high in a few areas, but one of our “areas to work on” happens to be our marriage expectations. Funny when you consider that we are both voluntarily attending premarital counseling to evaluate our relationship.
We've yet to delve into it with our counselor, but the best we can figure is this: there were a number of questions on the evaluation that asked you how much you agree with statements like, “my partner is the only one for me” or “my partner is my soulmate”. Immediately after taking the evaluation, we both asked how the other person answered. Of course, we both interpreted the question differently, and thus, answered differently. Because if you don't actually believe in soulmates (which, I don't), you come off sounding like you are either a) dissatisfied and waiting for something better b) polyamorous. Neither of which are labels that apply to me.
The fact is, I don't believe in soulmates. There are 6.9 BILLION people in the world. The idea that there is one person out there that is your other half? Well, it seems to me to be really crappy odds. And does finding the missing piece to your soul mean you don't have to work at the relationship? Because to me, that seems like a trap that would be really inviting to fall into.
In order to believe in soulmates, one has to put a lot of faith in fate. And I am too much of a type A personality to ever consider that the amount of time and effort it takes me to mull over decisions is for naught, and that some cosmic force already made the decision for me.
Basically, I am too much of a control freak to believe that my decisions don't matter.
Here's the thing: I believe that life is a series of choices. We make choices everyday (some big, some small) that have varying degrees of effects on our lives. Some of the effects are huge: my senior year, my drama teacher chose to make our field trip to the college fair at the World Trade Center an evening trip, and we missed the attacks by six hours. I chose to take a job one summer at home from college that shaped my current career path. And some are small, like the fact that I chose to sit on my bum when I got home from work tonight, and now have to stay up to wait for the laundry to finish.
The fact is, if either Doug or I had chosen a different school, we probably would have never met. And had we never met, I doubt either of us would now be pining for their “missing half”. Because I believe that all relationships take work, and if you happen to click with someone, there's a good chance the relationship can be successful if you put the work in. Pragmatic? Perhaps. But the point is, that we are both relatively normal, and have a lot to offer. So there is a good chance that we would be leading separate lives, with other significant others, and maybe we'd be in the same career fields and on the same kind of path, and maybe our other partners would be just like us, or maybe they wouldn't.
Now, here's where the interpretation of the question comes into play. I automatically prickle when I hear people talk about soulmates. Honestly, it makes them seem naïve to me. So when I answered questions about that, I strongly disagreed, because no, I don't believe there is only ONE person out there for each of us. HOWEVER, I don't spend my time wondering if he's “the one” for me, and I have no doubts that we can and make our marriage successful. I really wished there was an “other” option for some of the questions.
Doug saw the questions for probably more what they were, so he said that yes, he strongly agreed that I was the only one for him. The sentiment for both of us is the same, but boy, did I make us look bad on paper.
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